If Kenidi could verbalize her feelings right now, I'm guessing that these days she'd be packing Kross a suitcase and waving by to him as she booted him out the front door. She loves and adores her baby brother with all her heart but I honestly believe she is just now beginning to realize that he is here to stay and isn't going anywhere. In the beginning, he was like a new toy to her. We had small issues but she was pretty gentle with him from the get go. Because we have slowly but surely been noticing more aggressive behavior from Kenidi over the past year to year and a half, we knew that Kross's arrival would be touch and go with her as well. Over the past 8 months since his birth, I've watched her go from gentle to down right violent with him. We can't sit him down or look away from him/her for even a split second. Her aggressive behavior has not only expelled over and onto him but onto us and other people as well. We battle her hitting, kicking, spitting, biting, pinching, etc. What was once just a melt down when we went to leave the beach or a park is now an everyday occurrence and has caused our normal "out and about" life to come to a screeching halt.
As I sit down to type this, my heart hurts when I reflect back on how much Kenidi's demeanor has changed over the past year and a half. She really is a totally different child. We can no longer fly on airplanes or travel period because of the outbursts, aggression, and publicly displayed melt-downs that involve just about anyone within a 20 mile radius of us. We can't take her out to eat at restaurants or stroll along and hold her hand thru the mall anymore. If she is out and about, she has to be strapped into her special needs stroller. There is no rhyme or reason to her madness. We used to think it was an attention issue but now we realize these are uncontrollable outbursts where she will lash out at anyone within her reach. I was in denial for a long time...just believing and hoping it was only a phase. Ya know...the kind of stuff they pick up at school and bring home??? However, the behaviors have only increased. Each day she is growing bigger and stronger and it's becoming harder and harder for me as well as everyone else to manage her when she lets loose. I tell you all of this because just as I have in the past 5 years since beginning this blog, I'm writing to find therapy in the moment. By the time the evenings roll around each day, I'm physically and mentally wiped out. I've had numerous days of emotional spells where I just finally burst into tears from the exhaustion, frustration, and utter heartbreak as I watch our daughter act out in ways she is unable to control. Ways we aren't able to control anymore either. Kenidi is still the loving, affectionate child she's always been. However, there is a side to her personality now that is tough, harsh, and dangerous.
I had a neurologist in Miami last year witness a melt-down of hers and his exact words to me were..."You know there is medicine for this?" I walked out of his office, pushed open the handicap doors to the parking lot, looked at my Mom and swore to her with fury in my eyes that I'd never go back to that doctor again. I can remember how angry I was with his words. I couldn't believe he would suggest that I needed to medicate my child. Almost a year later, I now wish I would have headed to his advice then. I was in denial.
So...a big reason for our trip back to Indy this time was to have Kenidi seen by her Riley doctors here in Indianapolis. Brent and I took her and both kids this past Tuesday morning to her appointment with her neurologist. He was also the geneticist that ran the tests on Brent and I right after we were told of Kenidi's diagnosis back in 2005. After two hours in his office, Kenidi had reached her limit and was exhibiting full on meltdown behavior by the time he saw us. She proved to him, the child psychologist on hand, as well as a student resident doctor that she had the strength and ability to take everyone of us in that room on and then beat the hell out of anyone she had the chance to. It's sound rough and it was. Thankfully though, because what she did in front of the docs, we didn't have to do too much explaining. It was clear that medicine was necessary. I left the hospital that day with mixed emotions. I was feeling defeated, deflated, and like a failure as a Mom. I had prayed for so long that I could "fix" her without medication. Her appointment Tuesday was confirmation that there was no longer anytime left for my attempts to "fix" her. This was our reality and something had to give. Our family life is suffering because we can't venture out like we used to. Brennen pays the price for that. Kross someday might too. The thought of how much things have changed as Kenidi's demeanor has changed is gut-wrenching. There have been talks of taking vacations without her, dinners out while she stays home with a sitter, etc. It all rips my heart out to the core. She's our daughter - part of our family. She should be experiencing these journeys, these memories with us.
In order to begin the new medication, she had to go for an EKG first. The doc wants to start her out on Tenex. (sp?) If there are any of you out there who have any experience with this drug and children, please email me. I'd love to hear your feedback. The EKG was done today and now we wait the results of it to make sure it was normal before she can begin the tenex. If the Tenex doesn't show positive signs of working in the next two weeks, they are going to move on to the big guns as they called it. Risperdal. Risperdal is used to treat strong and irrational behaviors. It's scary. Both medicines are. I have no idea what the future holds but I'm praying with every fiber of my being that these medicines do more help than harm. Only time will tell. My how things have changed.
So...in my usual attempt to always find laughter and positivity in my life...I saw a photo on pinterest today and decided to do our own version of it with Kenidi and Kross. I grabbed my camera and used it as a therapeutic tool. The end result is what you see below...
I'm giving all of the glory to God - as always - for this journey. I've prayed to him with my expectations of healing for Kenidi. I've pleaded with him to grant us peace within our family and mainly within her little body. I'm no longer in denial and realize that this is the only option left. We are left with no other choice but to help Kenidi thru medication. I'm hopeful that these meds will work. Please pray with me over the coming weeks as we embark on yet another foggy journey in the Seaman family. God is leading our hands and giving me - and us - the strength to keep putting one foot in front of the next. For those of you with special needs children, I know you understand this TOTALLY. I owe my family a HUGE thanks for helping me to combat the meltdowns Kenidi has displayed since arriving in Indiana. I couldn't have made it thru the past 2 weeks without them. Transition is horrific on Kenidi's little system. If you take her out of her routine, you can expect all hell to break loose literally. God love her...
Thanks for listening to me today. I know it's been a long time since I've "dumped" on all of my readers like this. Sometimes you just need to purge everything that is floating around in your head though and today was my day. As you all know, I purge via writing. I journal to heal. Always have - always will. Yes, my writings have put my family on major display at times in the past but I don't care. It's my life. It's my truth. It's me being real. Take it or leave it.
Thank you God for being my Rock. My savior. Literally. You've heard my prayers and you know my expectations. Please heal my baby girl.
Despite the helldacious heat here in Indiana, we decided to brave it all and head out to the county fair a couple of nights ago. Ironically, the heat wasn't so bad and we even found several pockets of shade to stand in as we stuffed our faces with the FAB fair food that graces the concession stands there each year.
Of course I was there armed with my camera and managed to snap some very simple but oh so colorful shots of our surroundings. We even saw the typical crazies. You know...the ones who ride those ridiculous rides like these...
The crowd was down considerably because people are willing to tackle the heat here this year. So...it left tons of room for us to roam. I am always amazed at what types of foods they come out with each year. This year...the shocker was deep fried kool-aid. Yeap, you heard me. Kool aid. Come again???
There is deep fried everything at the fair. Even deep fried cookie dough. Now we're talkin'...
My favorite part of any fair is just all of the colors. There is so much color in life if we are just willing to look for it. At the fairs though, they throw it in yo' face. Like here..."Take some pink! Take some purple! Oh and how about some orange and bright sunny yellow too!!!" POW! POW! POW! Color is everywhere there and you never have to "search" it out. You'd have to be blind to miss the vibrant punch of the color wheel at any fair.
Lovin' these old school shades that I stumbled upon at a random table for sale. They're makin' their come back. ROCK ON!
Of course we all had to win Kenidi every stuffed animal under the sun during our journey there.
It's comical to me that I participated in that considering how many stuffed animals I pitch on a yearly basis out of my kids rooms. Kenidi has this set of baskets at my Dads that they keep stocked with toys and coloring books for her. Every hour on the hour...she dumps it all out. And every hour on the other hour...my Dad and I pick it all back up and place it where it all goes. You see...I get my OCD issues from him. He has always taught me that everything has its place. Therefore, when there is stuff laying out all over the floors...it makes me shake with distress. Almost darn near convulsions really. I told my Dad the other day that I wished I had a video camera of him and I picking that junk all back up and putting it away every two seconds and then Kenidi just returning the favor by getting it all back out again. It's a constant game to her. So...not only does my poor dad have the usual sprawled out all over his floor now...he also has cheap ol' fair toys dumped all over the place too. To know him is to know that it's silently killing him inside. However, he'd NEVER say it. LOL! He just keeps picking it up and putting it all away again. Speaking of my dad...check him out...this was at the fair the other night too...
Love that man!
Both him and Brennen played some games while there. In the words of my dad during this moment below..."Gimme' some dddaawwwggg!"
Kross did exceptionally well in the heat that night. He was obsessed with our water bottles. The pictures say it all...
Love that shot of Brennen and Kross with my step-mom Cathy. Kross is trying to be sneaky and steal her water bottle there. Too funny! I love his face in this shot below...
Kenidi Grace loved the sights. She played skee ball (sp?) and threw the balls in the fish bowls. My aunt and Brennen both won fish so now my Dad has two new family members in his house as well. LOL! Kenidi also played the water duck game and loved that. It's great to see her being able to participate in the stuff we all do.
I caught Brennen in the middle of his corn dog (BARF!). He wasn't very happy about it either...
It's hard to believe half of our trip to Ind is already over. We only have another week and a half here before we head back to Naples. I've enjoyed lounging around the pool with my best girlfriends, dinners and daily vegging with my Dad and Cathy, and shooting my photography sessions that I've booked while here. It's been a FAB trip thus far. I've got a girls night out planned with my friends this Friday and several more shoots to do before I head out. I'm soaking up all of the goodness that Indy has to offer before I have to say my "until next time's."
Speaking of until next time...until the next blog post...keep smiling, look for the color in life, and enjoy these summer nights. I'm off to go consume some more cotton candy.
We made it to Indy. The fields full of Queen Anne's lace were standing tall to greet me when we crossed the state line. People often ask me what I could possibly miss back in ol' Indiana - aside from the obvious friends and family - now that we live in paradise everyday. One of my answers is in the image above.(taken with my iphone4) I miss the fields full of wheat and the fields peppered with wild flowers in the summers. I miss the butterflies and bumble bees that run rampant on top of them. (They make for great macro images) This particular field will be used as a backdrop in one of 5 photo shoots that I have while in town this time. I can't wait for the golden evening light to shine down on this spot. It's going to make for gorgeous images with my clients.
Of course the 18 hour drive sucked - we drove straight through this time which was NOT planned. The five of us almost killed each other in true Griswold style before all was said and done but once we made the decision to just keep driving...we all regrouped, had some Starbucks, and trudged forward with great success in real Seaman family fashion. As I always like to say...all was good in da' hood. :)
In the short two days I've been here, we've been able to visit with both of my Grandma's who are ailing. I had worried I'd miss being able to see one or both of them before I got home the next time. By the grace of God, both are hanging on strong and I loved being able to touch both of their hands yet again. My Grandma DeNease - my Dad's Mom - also got to meet little Kross for the first time on Sunday. Another great grand child for her. Although she can't see, I made sure she was able to feel the smooth touch of his soft baby skin in her hand. Life - it's such a precious gift, isn't it?
Aside from the 5 photo shoots I have lined up while in town, I am planning lots of visits with my girlfriends of course. We also have lots of doctor visits while here. Ya know...those favorite doctors and my dentist that I refuse to let go of just because I live in Florida now. I try to get the kids in and myself to see them anytime we are here just to keep us current in their patient files. LOL!
I hope all of you are enjoying your week thus far. Until my next post and the next flood of Indiana images, stay safe and smile. Smile lots!
You guys all know how very much I love "color." I love any kind of color in life - but especially when it comes to my photography. When my clients have been asked to describe my images before, nine times out of ten, they all use the word "colorful" somewhere in their descriptions. I love that. I strive to make my images stand out with color being a top priority. So...when we were vacationing last weekend in Key West, I tried desperately to soak up any and all the colors of the island that I could while there.
One day we rented the electric golf cart looking cars and roamed the island. I thoroughly enjoyed that part even though it was 250 degrees out. LOL!
The nooks and crannies within Key West were a photographers dream. They had tons of "grunge" areas to use as backdrops which was right up my alley. I also loved the Ernest Hemingway look of the decor, homes, environment, etc. The history and nostalgia there is simply amazing. I also loved that they have a street named after me right off the famous Duval Street...
Even their Walgreen's in Key West is colorful...
I am normally not a "Key Lime" lover but I did try some chocolate dipped Key Lime pie on a stick while there. Uuuhhmmm...can anyone say HEAVEN?
We saw lots and lots of characters around the island. Some weren't suitable for the eyes of my kiddo's so I was constantly burying Brennen's head when I'd see something he shouldn't. These were a few of the innocent yet funny characters we witnessed...
Spider man on a bike & a bar stroll group...
I can't imagine what those dudes looked like after hitting all those bars that night that were listed on the back of their shirts. Ha ha!
Grandma Debbie and Papa Ron were a huge help with the kids this trip and especially while Brent and I were at the wedding festivities for Chad and Sherry.
Our hotel was the 2nd oldest hotel on the island. It definitely showed that wear and tear inside the guest rooms. The lobby and restaurant however, were gorgeous. Here is a shot of the library area in the front lobby...
This guy and his dog were on the street each day. The sunglasses on the pup crack me up...
Last but not least, I also left my "clean eating" for one of these dudes while there. $5 cookies and boy were they worth every single penny. I had a sugar cookie (without sprinkles) and it truly hit the spot. Heaven again!
Thank goodness we were only gone and in Key West for several days. Because of food like that, my clean eating attempt was J-A-C-K-E-D with a capital "J." :)
We had a blast in Key West but I don't know that I'd voluntarily go back anytime soon. I saw it and can now say been there - done that. It's definitely a party town and I'm past the age of partying at this point. When you have kids and travel there with them, it's a totally different experience. LOL! Either way, it was good to have seen it. I've always wanted to go there and now we can say that we've been. Other than the ghost tour and seeing Hemingway's house up close and personally, I don't feel like I'm missing anything by not going back there for a while. I think the drive there and back killed the hoopla for me in regards to the island itself. That drive was brutal. Brutal I say.
Now I'm back home with the suitcase cleaned out but laid open once more. Time to start packing again. We head home to Indiana for three weeks come this Friday. YAY! Can't wait to see everyone back home. Until the next update, have a superb weekend.
CHAD & SHERRY'S KEY WEST WEDDING (NAPLES, FLORIDA WEDDING PHOTOGRAPHER)
A quick sneak peek - basically just to confirm how much this past weekend ROCKED!
We came, we saw, we conquered Key West. And me...well I conquered my fear of shooting a wedding ceremony. Yes, I survived and the bride and groom have the wedding pictures to prove it. :)
Stay tuned...lots more to come as I begin editing the images from my dear friend Sherry's wedding. I'm beyond honored to have been asked to be their photographer on their special day. The hardest part was controlling the tears from behind my lens during the ceremony. It was tough to be the "photographer" when you're so emotionally invested in the people who are actually getting married. I kept fogging up my view finder because I was such a sap as they recited their vows to one another. What a stunning pair they made!!! CONGRATS Chad and Sherry!
I can't wait to share the rest of your images with you and your loved ones. We love you guys!
For the rest of you, check back soon. You don't wanna miss these. Much love, Angie
